Saturday, December 28, 2019

No Longer Adrift: The Boat Is Moored While I Rest for the Winter


It is December 28, 2019, the Feast of the Holy Innocents of Bethlehem.   It has been more than a month since my last posting, when I was still feeling very much spiritually adrift after having had what I considered my Western spiritual foundation torn down by unlooked-for discoveries about my background and heritage.  Well, a lot has changed and developed since then, and I am no longer adrift.  Rather, I am on a new direction in my path.  It's a good direction, but one in which I must always use discernment and wisdom, and also one in which I need to take the time to rest my mind and soul.  New demands are upon me, a new dimension of my calling to spiritual service.  I will go into that more, later in this article.

It has been a harrowing journey over the past month and a half, with lots of ups and downs, fears, and worries about whether or not Christ would be displeased with me if I re-integrated certain Anglo-Saxon and Celtic cultural ways and practices (observations of certain harvest and seasonal festivals) into my faith life.  Those worries turned out to be nothing more nor less than the error of not believing enough in the efficacy of God's grace, something which my husband helped me to see, as well as our friend who is the pastor of the church where I work professionally as an organist-choirmaster.  Why would Christ ever get upset with me, especially over something as silly as human culture? The Church has always embraced those aspects of culture that had seeds of the Gospel. There were times also, in the past month or so, when I wearied my loved ones because of the intense and consistent soul-searching in my journey. I consulted my Irish spiritual father, who helped me quite a few times, first encouraging me not to limit myself by things like heritage and blood, and then advising me to cut back and "divest," as he put it, because it seemed to him I was trying to integrate too many things in an attempt to understand the intricacy of God.  I consulted my father-confessor, the priest of the Eastern Orthodox parish to which I belong, who suggested that I might be focusing on my heritage too much and not enough on Christ.  At first, I thought his assessment wasn't fair and showed misunderstanding on his part, and got angry with him.  But after reflection upon his counsel, I concluded that he actually was right about the fact that if we focus first on Christ, the rest of what we need all comes together.  Per his advice and the advice of my Irish spiritual father, we are back to the conclusion of my previous blog article: the need to keep our eyes on the One Thing Needful, which is Jesus Christ.  All the rest has its place, but Jesus Himself will put those things where they need to be.

There are two Scriptural passages that come to mind.  They are both from the Gospels.  The first is this, Matthew 6:33, "But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you."  The second is, as mentioned in the previous article, the words of Jesus to Martha concerning her sister Mary, in the Gospel of Luke, Chapter 10, verses 41 and 42: "And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her."

The first passage, the part about all the rest being added unto us if we seek the Kingdom of God first, is the passage that has been most fulfilled in the past month and a half.  If you put Christ first, He will give you what you need and put it where it needs to go inside you.  If you put Him first and surrender totally to Him, He will be the Great Soul-Smith and forge your soul into the fine metal that it is supposed to be. He will mend the broken parts and form you into a fine new vessel to receive His Body and Blood.

There are many details about my journey of late that are too personal to write in a blog article of this sort, which would be read by a large public.  There are many details of the things I have searched and pondered that need to be kept to myself, and thus will be.  But if I wanted to basically sum things up without going into those details, I would say that I have gone through the garden of my soul and decided what plants are right and fruitful, versus what are weeds, and I have pulled up the weeds and gotten the field ready for a new crop.

These are the basics of what I've discovered:
(1) There is no need to worry about whether seasonal celebrations--harvests and such--can be part of the Western Rite aspect of my Orthodox faith, because those observances are already there.  Seasonal celebrations, such as the August barley harvest known as Lammas (Anglo-Saxon: loaf-Mass) or the last harvest of autumn known as All Hallows Eve, are already incorporated in the Benedictine prayer tradition.  They are found in the feast days of the Church, in the Benedictine diurnal, around those time periods. There are also seasonal hymns for winter and summer in the Daily Office.  In the liturgics of the Eastern Orthodox Church, there are services called molieben (litanies of thanksgiving).  For celebrating the seasons, these litanies can be inserted any time into the litany portion of the canonical hours, be those hours in the Eastern form of the Horologion or the Western form of the Rule of St. Benedict.

(2) What has often been defined as "magic" by today's earth religions is, for the Christian, simply participation in God's Divine energies through active worship and the free gift of God's grace in worship and sacrament.  With this grace as a free gift and available to all who partake as believers in Christ and members of His Church, there is no need for anything else.   We don't have to go on vision quests or attend sweat lodges, because we have the Holy Mysteries: we have the seven sacraments, a living manifestation of God's grace that physically comes to us and is available to us in our daily lives.

(3) There is no one, "right" and "only" way to practice Orthodox Christianity.  The Church is a great deal more diverse than anyone realises, and there is room for everyone of every culture and every heritage.  The idea that we have to pray only a certain way and only use _________ (insert ethnicity here) ways of prayer in order to be saved is total error and crap.  While we seek to be Orthodox--right in worship--in our faith practices, it is not this form or function that saves us.  It is Christ Himself.  It is His Divine grace.  We are saved by grace, not by how accurately we pray and practice our faith according to Orthodox tenets.  A person can do everything correctly in terms of liturgics and still fail to truly know Christ or live in His love.   It is knowing Christ intimately in a personal relationship with Him, and most of all His grace that saves us.  We do the best we can to please Him in our practice of our faith, things like our prayer life, reading Scripture daily and meditating upon it, our attendance at services, receiving the Holy Mysteries, etc.  That effort helps us towards the sanctification, the Theosis (becoming like God) to which we are all called. But in the end, it's His grace that saves us and makes up for any lack of understanding or failures on our part.

(4) Because it is Christ and Christ alone Who saves us through His grace, we must trust in Him that He will show us what to do as we practice and live our faith.  We can't go around being paranoid that this way, or that way, or this jewelry, or that jewelry, or this TV show, or that TV show, or reading this book, or reading that book, will cut us off from Him.  There are too many Orthodox converts who walk around being afraid that they'll do something wrong and God will cut them off.  This isn't helped by fanatics and self-styled "spiritual fathers" who tell wild stories about visions they had: about how so-and-so that they knew in a village once did such-and-such, suddenly died, and went to hell because of doing that thing, but then that person came back to life and learned his/her lesson.  Those types of stories need to be avoided by the faithful when they read Orthodox spiritual writings.  There is nothing that can separate us from God if we love Him and believe in Him, unless we just decide to be stupid and say to Him, "The heck with You!  I'm not listening to You anymore."  Those of us who really love Him aren't going to be that stupid.  As long as we're putting Him first and practicing His presence daily and hourly, we cannot be separated from Him.  As long as our hearts are open to Him and our hearts bear Him love as opposed to being closed and rebellious, He will always be there for us.  We must walk in trust

(5) God made us the way we are, fundamentally.  There are many people who believe that our personalities--preferences, leanings, tastes, etc.--are formed by our environments, families and backgrounds.  That's true to an extent, but the basics of who we each are as individuals is the creation of God Himself.  Furthermore, it is an ongoing creation that is being continually refined.  The key word here is Hypostases.  Just as each Person  (Hypostas) of the Trinity is Holy in Who He is respectively as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, we are each holy as the individuals we are: we are sacred as Gabrielle, David, John, Debra, whoever.  God made us who we are, and He doesn't make any junk.  Our blood heritage and personality is a part of that sacredness of our person, which is why it can't just be jettisoned in favour of a one-size-fits-all version of the Orthodox Christian faith.  God saves us as a community, as a Church; however, as members of that community, we are sacred as individuals too.  We each have sacred Personhood, just as the Trinity is sacred in His Three Persons.  We are saved as both members of the Church and as individuals.  The idea that we are only saved as Church is lopsided, as is the idea that we are only saved as individuals.  It has to be both Church and the individual, because Scripture states that there is One Body, but many parts, and that all parts are needed (1 Corinthians 12: 12-27).

These are the basic things that I have learned over the angst of the past month and a half.  That being said, I also have discovered that I have a particular calling through the gifts that God gave me both for music and for prayer.  I am called to be a healer.  Does that mean I have spiritual powers for which I went on some vision quest?  No.  Does that mean that I think I have special healing powers?  No.  Is the word "powers" involved at all?  No.   Do I summon spirits like a shaman?  No.

It's simple. God gave me the gift to play, compose and sing music.  He also gave me the gift of word-smithing (poetry, prose, etc). I have always used those gifts in service to Christ and His Church, to help people's souls in deepening and enriching their faith through worship.  But I also have a calling to sing and pray with a focus on healing for people's illnesses.  Does this mean that I actually heal them through music?  No. That would be very presumptuous, because only God heals.  But I do have a calling to sing and pray for the sick, both the sick in body and the sick in soul.  I also have a calling to learn about herbs and natural medicines, and learn to use those in good ways for healing, within the auspices of bonafide medical knowledge.  That kind of knowledge supplements my singing of the hourly services,  in which I can insert litanies asking God to heal sick people who are on my prayer list.  If I happen to know of an herb that can help, I can share my knowledge and also give sick people the websites talking about the medical facts about that herb.

I didn't go through some sort of vision quest to recognise I had this calling.  I didn't have a vision on a mountain or some sort of dream.  I did, however, go through a very difficult time emotionally and spiritually, in the course of jettisoning non-profitable ideas and recognising that I have inherited the calling of many a Celtic Briton and Saxon lady: to serve God and His Church by helping and healing, with music and knowledge of the things God has given us in the earth that can help and heal us.

I have a lot to learn with respect to herbs.  The music and prayer part of my work, however, is something that I have been training for since a young age, through schooling and much musical practice on instruments and voice.

There you have it.  I am a musical laece (Anglo-Saxon: healer).  As such, I do this work as an Orthodox Christian.  I am not some sort of shaman or New Age practitioner. I use the prayers of the Church, singing services (canonical hours, supplicatory canons, akathists) as my regular spiritual discipline and focusing those prayer services for healing as people ask me to do so.  The knowledge I will study in the future, that of herbs and natural remedies, will be carefully checked with today's medical and pharmaceutical knowledge to make sure that nothing is ever used erroneously.  Nor will I solicit clients with this work.  I already have a profession: that of church musician.  The healing part  of my work is a calling which must be done as an act of love, and when called for by others. If God chooses to reward me for it in some way, He will do so as He sees fit.

That's it.  Simple.  Right now, I am resting and learning.  The boat is moored while I rest for the winter season.

In naman Faederes and Sunna and thaes Hálgan Gástes. (In the Name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit).

Amen.


Sunday, November 10, 2019

Anglo-Saxon Runes, Norse Folk Practices and Celtic Prayers: Truth Versus Falsehood, and the One Thing Needful


Good afternoon, readers!  Today is November 10, 2019, and it's nearing 11:00 in the evening.  Friday was the Octave of All Saints Day on the Western Rite Orthodox Gregorian calendar, and the Feast of the Holy Archangels on the Eastern New Calendar of the Orthodox Church.

Perhaps I should clarify, for anyone unfamiliar, what I mean by Western Rite Orthodox.  I belong to the Eastern Orthodox Church, which uses primarily the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, the Liturgy of St. Basil and the approach to faith in the writings of the Eastern fathers.  However, this is not to the exclusion of saints and liturgies in the West prior to the Great Schism between East and West in 1054 A.D.

"Western Rite Orthodoxy" refers to those liturgies, prayers and devotions to saints in Western and Northern Europe prior to the aforementioned Great Schism.  We're talking about specifically Western, regional liturgies and prayer traditions that developed in a way that was unique from the traditions of the Slavic, Balkan, Greek and Middle Eastern countries.

This article is about the journey I personally continue to undertake, as an Eastern Orthodox Christian of Western ancestry.  As such, I believe fully in the teachings professed by the Eastern Orthodox Church, and in the truth of her liturgies and prayer traditions.  In so doing, however, I agree with St. John Maximovitch (also called St. John of Shanghai), Archbishop of San Francisco from 1962 to 1966, who was canonised (British spelling) as a saint in the Orthodox Church in 1994.  He said: "Never, never, never let anyone tell you that, in order to be Orthodox, you must be Eastern. The West was fully Orthodox for a thousand years, and her venerable liturgy is far older than any of her heresies."

To clarify, the Eastern Orthodox Church holds that certain ideas that came about in the West between 1054 and the present are erroneous, hence St. John's reference to heresies.  But this article is not about those ideas.  This article is about the fact that sometimes, in my experience as an Eastern Orthodox Christian, I have encountered an assumption from Slavs and Greeks that their Eastern European cultural context is the only one in which Orthodoxy can be validly practiced.  The answer to that unjust and wrong assumption is what St. John Maximovitch said, quoted above.

After much historical research, I found out that the liturgical traditions and prayers of the Church prior to the East-West Schism were much more diverse than many people in the Orthodox Church think.  I list here, once again, the many various forms of the Divine Liturgy (i.e., Mass, some of which come from  particular Western regions and their Christian culture within the original Undivided Church: the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, the Liturgy of St. Basil, the Liturgy of St. Mark in Egypt, the Liturgy of St. James, the Liturgy of St. Gregory, the Sarum Rite in the British Isles, the Ambrosian Liturgy, the Mozarabic Liturgy, the original Roman Liturgy. . .to name a few. There are more on the list.

That being said, my question on this journey continues to be: "Where can I find the culture and regional devotions and daily practices that go with those Western liturgies?"   As I have said, I want my own cultural frame of reference in which to practice the Orthodox faith.  I have found the answer to that question, partially, in the Rule of St. Benedict of Nursia.  English Orthodox spirituality has a very Benedictine character, from the earliest times.  It also has a monastic character, meaning that it is based on certain prayer services done during the day with specific Scriptural readings.  Daily work is integrated into and with those prayer services.

My questions about these cultural roots became more intense just recently, when I found out that I am not of the heritage that I thought I was!  I thought I was of Irish blood and ancestry.  As you will read from my previous posts, I am in fact of Norman, Anglo-Saxon, Welsh, Scottish, German and Dutch ancestry.  Some of my ancestors lived in Ireland at various times, but my blood is not, strictly speaking according to my family tree, Irish.

The difficulty about all of this is that I was clinging to the Irish Celtic traditions of the Church, certain traditions particularly preserved from Ireland, as a source of finding my Western cultural niche in the Orthodox Church.  I felt a strong connection to things Irish.  This manifested in my ability to play and sing Irish music, particularly Irish Christian music, as part of the music ministry job I do and as part of my own devotions.  Finding out that I didn't have the blood, ancestrally, that underpinned that Irish connection and ability to play the music was a discovery that actually shook me to the core.  It partially undid the work I had done trying to get my soul healed from previous wounds, inflicted on me by a couple of former spiritual fathers who were overzealous and harsh in trying to drive Western "errors" out of me.  (The so-called errors were not really that erroneous.  The priests who were trying to guide me at the time were just poorly educated about the pre-Schism West).

For me, truth and integrity are central.  So, if I am playing an Irish seán-nós (traditional Irish) hymn such as "Ag Críost an Síol" (Christ's Is the Seed), feeling the power of the music, and believing that my ability to interpret it comes from the innate connection to Ireland through my own blood; then, the discovery that I have no real Irish blood seems to render me a fake, a phony. Whatever I do in the Spirit, it must be true!  Truth above all things! So, I really got thrown for a loop, once I looked at my actual family tree and heard about some DNA tests that my family members had gotten through ancestry.com.

However, there are three things that I am urged by the Holy Spirit to consider in my journey, as I pray desperately for the restoration of what I believe to be a lost connection and lost power.  Those three things are: (1) The DNA Haplogroups of the English, Irish, Scottish, and Northern European Germanic people are almost the same!  According purely to DNA, I could still be just as Irish as any person who was born and raised in Ireland.   (2) I am actually American anyway!  There are a host of American ancestors and their ways to consider.  (3) The most important point: All ability and power does not come from the connection of my blood, as I thought, but rather from God.   Getting used to that idea is taking some time for me, because I have believed for most of my life that our talents and proclivities are inherited through blood.

I have been on a desperate journey since I came back from visiting my family in Alabama, where I found out that my whole idea of who I was ancestrally was a bunch of blarney.  I have explored many things, searching for that Western Christian cultural context: Anglo-Saxon runes and traditions connected with them, lives of the Saints of the British Isles and Northern Europe, Scandinavian folk practices which actually seem to be more rooted in Protestant ideas than in surviving ancient Norse culture, and various Celtic prayers in their indigenous languages from Ireland, Wales, and Scotland.

The music of the non-Celtic ancestors is not so easy to find and connect to as the Celtic music.  The voices of the Old Ones (ancestors) in those non-Celtic cultures seem hard to find, except, as I am discovering, in the writings of the Western saints of those countries, such as Venerable Bede.  

There is another aspect to all of this. I have a side to my soul that is earthy, a side that needs seasonal celebrations, earth-based ceremonies and related paraliturgical devotions as part of my daily walk in Orthodox Christianity.  The Russians, Balkan people and Greeks have those things in their day-to-day lives. I do not!  However, finding the real thing in the cultural history of the British Isles and Northern Europe is very difficult. It is easy to find things based on dubious Theosophical scholarship and Romantic ideas.  It's easy to find things that have little to do with Christ. I have had to wade through a lot of reeds in the marsh. 

But there is a light that has appeared at the mouth of this cave into which I have descended.  That light is the Light of Christ, and the fact that He, His Mother and the saints are more than willing to guide me on what is true, and what is false.

I do not believe in avoiding the pursuit of knowledge out of fear that it might lead me out of my faith, or cause me to stumble.  God's got me in the palm of His hand, first of all.  He's not going to drop me!  Secondly, I have a very sound understanding of what the fathers and mothers of the Church teach, versus what they do not.  I have an equally sound understanding about what is based on real history versus what is Theosophical speculation and nonsense.  

That being said, I decided to look into the lore of Norse and Anglo-Saxon runes, culturally compare the symbolism of both cultures' approach to the runes, and explore the mythological understanding and insights therein regarding human experience in daily life.  

Looking into mythological lore for psychological insights is nothing new. The Irish monks recorded and revered much of their country's lore and mythological stories, because they believed that those stories held some basic truths about life and development of the inner self which rang true for everyone, being complementary rather than contrary to the Gospel.  Hellenic myths were preserved by the Greek Christians in much the same vein.

With a bit of research, however, I found out in a fairly short time that rune symbolism is rooted more in Romantic and occult ideas of the 19th century than in early medieval Norse and Anglo-Saxon culture. I'm still researching this, but I have not found any evidence thus far, for example, that the Anglo-Saxon rune Wynn--a P-shaped rune--really symbolised the idea of joy to the Anglo-Saxons of Venerable Bede's time.  In fact, by the time of the Anglo-Saxons' conversion to Christianity, all the evidence points to the idea that they had dispensed with even writing in runes, much less using them as mystical symbols.  Their swords were inscribed with Latin prayers; the symbols on those swords were crosses, not runes.  Some swords had relics in them. For evidence of this, read the book by medieval history authority Ewart Oakeshott on medieval swords, Records of the Medieval Sword.

As for rune divination, neither casting runes nor reading cards is something a Christian needs to do.  For one thing, God speaks against divination strongly in Deuteronomy, Leviticus and in the books of prophets such as Daniel and Hosea.  God considers divination an abomination.  Here is a strong passage from Deuteronomy, Chapter 18, verses 9-12: “When you come into the land which the Lord your God gives you, you shall not learn to follow the abominable practices of those nations. 10 There shall not be found among you any one who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, any one who practices divination, a soothsayer, or an augur, or a sorcerer, 11 or a charmer, or a medium, or a wizard, or a necromancer. 12 For whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord; and because of these abominable practices the Lord your God is driving them out before you.

The problem with using rune letters for divination could not be more clearly stated than that!  But the other problem with it is that God has given all human beings free will, which blows the whole idea of divination to hell anyway.  If we have free will, then how can our fate be fixed according to a spread of rune letters or cards?  We have many potential futures according to our God-given choices we make based on our God-given reason.  So, I just want to be sure my readers know that in reading about rune symbolism according to medieval sources, I was not using them for any kind of fortune-telling.  

As for the mythological origin of the runes, the ordeal of the god Odin (or Wotan in Saxon nomenclature), I think the story holds some interesting insights, such as the idea that one can gain wisdom during times of fasting, suffering and self-sacrifice.  However, being Christian, I naturally do not believe in the myth itself any more than I would believe that the Greek god Apollo drives the sun across the sky in a chariot. Also, being Christian, I find that while a pagan story about a god hanging on a tree and sacrificing himself for knowledge is interesting, what Odin did pales in comparison to what our Incarnate Lord Jesus Christ did for us on the Cross.  I wonder if some of the Vikings who converted to Christianity thought the same thing.

I think that God gave us brains and intellect, and most symbolic ideas about things such as rune letters, animals, etc. are all simply man-made.  There are numbers that are symbolic of certain ideas in the Bible, and animals that behave certain ways in the Bible.  But most of the symbolic meanings of animals, for example the association of owls with wisdom, are man-made.  But does that mean that God cannot use them, or that He has no part to play in the usage of these ideas?  No! Again, God gave us reason and intellect, and the ability of scientific observation.  He gave us the ability of self-realisation and reflection, and the ability to name things and apply meaning to nature and situations around us. It was, after all, Adam who named the animals in the Book of Genesis.

So, I approached the Anglo-Saxon runes and their mythological symbolic meanings from this standpoint.  

I then decided to be very creative and use certain runes, symbolising certain ideas such as prosperity and good health, as part of my Harvest wreath decoration for the front door this year.  I fashioned the runes out of the stems of daisy pom-poms, flowers that are symbolic of love and happiness, and then put my handmade rune letters onto the wreath.  At the top of the wreath, I fashioned a Chi Rho symbol in honour of Christ as the Lord of the Harvest, Who gives us every good thing.



I enjoyed fashioning the rune wreath decoration, because I had creatively invented my own little home folk practice in observance of the Harvest.  I spritzed the wreath with holy water and prayed to Christ for special blessings for this harvest season.  

Later, though, I wondered if Christ looked favourably upon my use of the Anglo-Saxon runes and their Victorian-invented symbolism in this way.   The reason I wondered about it is that I got a headache down the center of my forehead through to the bottom of my nose, and my left wrist started to ache.  A lot of times, if something isn't right spiritually, I get a headache and a constricted feeling in my nose or throat. I call these headaches "heresy headaches." 

Between consulting my husband about this matter and praying to Christ about them, the answer I got was simple: because the Victorian-invented symbolism is basically a bunch of occult nonsense, one cannot take the runes in that context and use them in prayer, any more than one could insert a Sanskrit verse about the Hindu god Ganesh into the middle of Psalm 23 while praying it. (By Psalm 23, I refer to the psalm as most people in the West know it with KJV numbering, "The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want").

So, if I use runes in any way, it must be in the context of Christianity, for writing the actual Anglo-Saxon language.  Any symbolism of the letters needs to be derived from a Christian source.  I will therefore check out the actual Anglo-Saxon Rune Poem from the 9th century, when Anglo-Saxon England had long been Christian, to discover that Christian, non-occult association.

I am reminded of Christ's words to Martha in the story of Mary and Martha: “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. 42 But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

I still have a way to go before these spiritual difficulties of mine are resolved, particularly the feeling of disconnection regarding my ability to play and sing Irish hymns in the fullness of the Spirit, and the seeming severance of the connection I had with those ancestors (who technically would have been Norman Irish anyway, if they ever lived in Ireland at all).  This feeling of disconnection has made a fissure inside of me that now must be filled, and I must find a way to fill it according to what the Lord wills.  I also have a long way to go before I discover the Christian customs actually associated with seasonal celebrations in Northern European tradition from the sixth century to 1054 A.D.  I still feel very much adrift, regarding the cultural context of my faith.  Adopting Slavic customs just because I married into a Serbian Orthodox family is not enough.  That's nice, but I have my own blood and my own ancestry.  All the ancestors should be honoured, mine and my husband's.

As I said before, I need my earth-ways and little ceremonies, customs in my daily life that aren't just my own invention, but passed down with the wisdom of my ancestors. I don't know when or how I will find those!  These things might seem minor and insignificant to other Orthodox Christians, but my soul is naturally sacramental and ritualistic, not just in church but also at home. My soul is also naturally earthy.  I cannot be all spirit-focused to the exclusion of my body and the earth on which I live.

May I be like St. Brendan, who was also adrift in a boat, and yet found the Isle of the Blessed.

I end this post with the hymn I mentioned before, "Ag Críost an Síol" (Christ's Is the Seed).  This hymn illustrates well the message of the Irish and British saints.


Blessings to all who have read this article, and pray to God for me!

Friday, October 18, 2019

Widening My Christian Cultural Range: Getting Used to Not Being Irish in Heritage


Good evening, readers!   When we last left off, I was feeling quite adrift because I found out that, contrary to what I had heard growing up, I am not Irish in heritage.  My family tree traces back to England (a combination of Norman and Saxon blood!), Wales, Scotland, Germany and the Netherlands.  I had always thought that we were Irish, having grown up hearing stories of how we had to change our name from O'Hosey to Hosey when our family came to America.

Allow me to clarify for new readers: I am Joy-Noël Gabrielle Bronzich, née Hosey.  I go by my middle name, Gabrielle.  I married a man of Montenegrin heritage, David Thomas Bronzich.

My maiden name is Hosey.  It is a Norman name that has variations: Hosea, Hussey, Houssaye, and in Ireland there is an Irish version of it, Ó hEódhusa.  In my case, that would be Ní hEódhusa because "Ní" means "daughter of" instead of the "son of" connotation which is denoted by the "Ó."

Now, about this whole Irish thing! Even if my family lived in Ireland at one point, it does not change the fact that they would have come there either as Norman invaders (or settlers--most probably invaders, though!) during the twelfth or thirteenth centuries.  It also does not change the fact that one of the Scottish ancestors of my father settled in Dublin in 1689.  That was during one of the worst times in Irish history, a time of grave English oppression of Ireland, the time of the Penal Laws.

So, either way, I am descended, on the English and Scottish side of my family, from people who didn't belong in Ireland and should not have gone there to live.  On the other hand, I am also descended in a couple of lines from Welsh people, who were in their turn oppressed by the English many a time.  There's also the Scottish side, having dealt also with English oppression.

It's really strange to be from an ancestral mix of oppressors and oppressed like this.  It's also disturbing to have read so many stories of oppression and genocide of Irish people by the English, assuming that I was descended from those who were oppressed, only to find out that I am descended more from the opposite side.

Most people who have lately been keeping up with my spiritual journey on this blog know that I am an Eastern Orthodox Christian, and that as such, I am seeking to establish my own cultural heritage and framework for the practice of my faith, just as Greeks have their ways and Slavic people have their ways.  For many years, my alleged Irish heritage was something I clung to for spiritual enrichment as I practiced my faith in various churches: first the Methodist and other mainline Protestant churches in which I grew up, later in the Roman Catholic tradition which I adopted in the early 1990's, and finally in the Eastern Orthodox Church of which I have now been a baptised member for fourteen years, fifteen this coming December.

The Eastern Orthodox Church is a beautiful faith expression, and the right one for me.  I love the Eastern Orthodox tradition and prayers.  However, to fill in that Western gap in myself, I have successfully reclaimed prayers, traditions, the Mass, and paraliturgical devotions of the Orthodox Western Rite into my prayer life.  One can say that I live a balanced life, spiritually, between the Eastern ways of the Church and the Western ways.  I now want to integrate all of this into a cultural framework that fits my blood and heritage.

That's my quest, and it's not an easy one within Eastern Orthodoxy.  Part of this is because of prejudice against Western Rite ways on the part of certain Eastern clergy, hierarchs and those of Slavic and Greek ancestry.  The other part of it that is difficult is the fact that these Western ways must be in conformity with the teaching and ecclesiology of the Orthodox Church. One therefore has to use a sifter when looking at Western rites and prayers, in order to find and utilise what is correct in this respect, versus what is considered erroneous.

I haven't found it hard to find the ways that fit theologically, because I actually have an excellent working knowledge of the fathers of the Church and the seven Ecumenical Councils.  I also have the nose of a bloodhound for what is or isn't correct theologically according to the teaching of the Orthodox Church.

Nay, what I'm finding difficult is the cultural aspect, in terms of finding my own Christian cultural framework in which to practice my faith.  The Greeks have their Greek traditions in Orthodoxy! The Russians have their Russian Orthodox traditions!  I want my British/Celtic/Norman/Germanic Orthodox traditions!  The Orthodox Church is for people of all backgrounds, not just Slavic and Greek.

People who respond to this with, "Well, the Greek and Slavic customs used to be the customs of the whole Church all over the world during the early times!" are being ignorant and shortsighted regarding the diversity within the undivided Church, especially during the fifth, sixth and seventh centuries with the conversion of Britain, Gaul, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and many Germanic lands.  The doctrine and general structure of the liturgy were all one in the Church during those times, but the smaller liturgical traditions and flavours in local churches of Western Europe and Eastern Europe were much more varied.  This is proven by looking at various forms of the Liturgy, or Mass, during those times: the Ambrosian Liturgy, the Mozarabic Liturgy, the Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom, the Liturgy of St. Basil, the Liturgy of St. James, the Liturgy of St. Mark, the Sarum Liturgy. . .the list goes on.  This is also proven by writings of Western saints such as Venerable Bede and Benedict of Nursia. So, no, I don't buy into the "Everything was Eastern at one time" idea.  It's just flat wrong.

I am doing research to find the original Christian culture, from the point of conversion from paganism onward, for Scotland, Saxon England, Briton England before the Saxon invasion, Wales, Brittany, and Normandy.  That is going to be a long historical, archaeological journey.  Irish Christian spirituality from the Irish missionaries to those lands also figures in closely with all of this, because saints such as Patrick, Colunba and Aidan of Lindisfarne had such a powerful influence on the approach to the practice of Christian faith in those lands.

From a later standpoint, I also have something else in my heritage: plain, Southern American Christian culture.  There is an entire hymnody from that tradition as well, much of which has made its way into the Western liturgical tradition.

With the Norman heritage, there is Norse blood in there to consider.  From the German and Dutch standpoint, there are those traditions and hymns as well.  So, basically, we have the Germanic aspect of my Northern European blood to consider in this journey as well.

Again, why does this matter?  Because God made us not only as spiritual beings, but as flesh in His image.  Our bodies are connected to our souls, and hence our DNA and blood background is connected to our souls.  I believe that this connection between our DNA and blood and our souls manifests itself in certain spiritual tendencies in our journeys.

For a long time, I felt I had a spiritual connection to Ireland.  From a purely DNA standpoint, considering that the Hapla groups for England, Ireland, Scotland, Wales, Germany, the Netherlands, and Scandinavia are pretty much the same, I still have that spiritual connection to Ireland.  But God has stripped me of the emotional veneer that I put upon this connection to Ireland, which I mistook for genuine spiritual connection and experience.

Here is a very good example of how our emotions and romanticism born thereof can mislead us when it comes to true spiritual reality and experience!  And alas for me, that I could not see the difference before in this particular instance!

It was my husband, ever wise, who helped me to see today that I had created this emotional, sentimental veneer that was passing itself off as my "Celtic soul." When stripped of this veneer because of the discovery that my blood was not wholly Celtic, and when further stripped of the specifically "Irish" veneer that I had painted upon myself through the adaptation of Irish Gaelic music and cultural customs, I felt like a tree with no leaves.

"Mother of God!" I cried out before the icon of the Theotokos Hodegetria today, after Lauds.  "Pray to God for me, who am adrift and stripped of what I held dear all these years!  Tell Him I want Him to give me back what is lost.  I need Him to fix this!" *(See note on this at the bottom of the article).

I then turned to the Crucifix, addressed our heavenly Father and said, "God! Give me back my leaves."

Silence.  Not a thought.  Not an idea.  No feeling.  Not a stir within. That's because the answer to my cry was in the icon itself.  To what does the hand of the Theotokos, the Holy Virgin Mary, point in the icon?  To the Baby Jesus!  To Christ!

It reminds me of what my mother wrote to me all those years ago when I was college, and I asked her why an autumnal equinox observance I had made was not of lasting fulfillment spiritually.  Her answer was, "All rituals must have Christ in their center to be of lasting effect spiritually."

So, I can continue to go on this quest of finding a cultural framework for my faith.  However, what God is calling me to do is to make certain that He is at the center of my quest, not "Irishness" or "Celtic ways."

It's all basically Matthew 6:33: "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness.  And all these things shall be added unto you."

That also means being open to real spiritual experience in the soul, not sentimental, emotional veneers posing as such.  My husband also pointed out that I still have my connection to Celtic music, especially by blood because of the whole Hapla group thing. So, my connection to those Celtic hymns is not lost.  I just covered it up with the sentimental trappings. Maybe the real thing will be allowed to come out now.

I just realised that the image of being like a tree without leaves is an interesting one, as we enter into the fullness of autumn and the harvest season.

Today, I came across a raven in the road, a female raven eating carrion. In the Bible, the raven was the first bird to find land after the great flood.  In various Northern European mythological traditions, the raven symbolises letting go of old things to get ready for new things, old things dying to make way for new life, and general change.  In the Norse tradition, the raven was one of two companions of Odin, two ravens who were called Thought and Memory.  This means that in Scandinavian mythology, the raven symbolises a call to reflection on the past and the present.

Well, if I am drifting spiritually because of the removal of fake things I had built around myself, may the Lord grant that, like the raven after the flood, I find the land He has for me.  If I am being called to let go of old things, well, letting go of false ideas of ancestry and spiritual connection are certainly part and parcel of that.  If I am being called to reflect and remember, then that also fits into this time of learning who my ancestors were and actually thinking upon that and how it affects who I am.  It also fits with some memories of my parents that I needed to hear while I was visiting my family in Alabama this past week.

And so, I offer this prayer at this point in my journey, a prayer of the heart.

Lord God, heavenly Father: Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.  Thou art the Weaver, and I am the thread upon the loom.  Make me; form me; weave me as Thou wilt.

Lord God, Son of the Father, Word at the beginning of all creation: Thou art the Painter; I am Thine icon.  Draw me, paint me, give Thy colours unto me as Thou wilt.

Lord God, Holy Spirit, Comforter, Giver of Truth: All I have, Thou hast given me.  If I must fly, then give me wings.  If I must die, then help me live.  If I must change, then hover over the waters wherein I sail.

And may the end result be the words, "Let there be light!".  And may it be so.  And mayest Thou then say, "This is good."

In the name of Jesus Christ our Lord,
Amen.



*Eastern Orthodox Christians believe that Christ gave us His Mother (the Blessed Virgin Mary) and the saints to help us and pray for us, as Resurrected members of the Body of Christ.  So, we ask the Virgin Mary, the holy prophets and the saints who have gone before us to pray for us.  Christ is the Head of the Church, of which these Resurrected people are a part.  Asking the saints for intercession is not putting them above Christ, because He says in the Gospel, "Wherever two or three are gathered in My Name, there am I in the midst of them."  They cannot be above Him when He is in their midst!  He also makes references to the saints and angels being gathered in heaven, and rejoicing over one repentant sinner.  There are many Scriptural references regarding intercessory prayer of those who have gone before, in both the Old and New Testaments.  The other thing is that "Mother of God" does not mean that the Virgin Mary is mother of the Father.  It means that she is the Mother of Christ, Who is God because He is the Second Person of the Trinity.  See John: 1: 1.  Anyway, this is a bit of clarification for readers belonging to other churches who don't have intercessory prayer by saints and angels as part of their tradition.




Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Genealogical Discoveries from Actual Ancestral Records Shake My World!

Celtic cross from the isle of Iona, Scotland
Wow! I've been thrown a real curve ball in my search for my spiritual ancestral heritage, my Western cultural heritage with which I seek to frame my Orthodox Christian practice as Greeks, Russians, and Serbs can frame theirs. While I was in Alabama visiting my immediate family, I saw our family tree: actual records of our ancestors. Much to my surprise and, to a large extent, dismay, I have found that I am NOT Irish! I am only Irish insofar as the Hosey family name is the name of a Norman line, also called Hussey or de Houssaye, which settled in Ireland during the 1200's. I knew that I was Norman-Irish, if anything. But what I didn't know is that there appears to be no pure Irish blood in me whatsoever! So far, I haven't traced but one ancestor back to Ireland and he was Scottish; his father moved to Dublin in the late 1600's. Having actually done genealogical research and traced several ancestral lines back, this is what I have discovered: some Welsh blood, a lot of English blood with Anglo-Saxon roots and Norman roots, a bit of Scottish, a bit of Dutch, and a bit of German. Here's some information on my ancestral heritage according to residence of documented ancestors.
Welsh St. David's Cross, Pembrokeshire
THE NAME HOSEY: Here is a link all about the Hosey surname, both in Ireland and in England. The Hosey surname, also spelled Hussey, de Houssaye and Hosea, is a Norman name. Hoseys settled in County Meath, Ireland, during the 1100's and 1200's. Others in the family, however, stayed in Kent, England. They came to Kent from Normandy, of course, after 1066 A.D., the Norman conquest of England.
https://www.houseofnames.com/Hosey-family-crest -- English settlement of Hoseys
The Irish version of our surname, Ó hEódhusa, is one that I've clung to all these years. But I can't find proof that I belong to the line that settled in Ireland because I can't trace my Hosey ancestors prior to 1675 in Norfolk, Virginia, colonial British America.
WELSH & A TINY BIT OF SCOTTISH ON MY FATHER'S SIDE
My father's line of Hosey, thus far, can only be traced back as far as a John Davidson Hosea who died in Norfolk, VA in 1675. There's a Welsh side of the Hosey family from my paternal grandmother's line, the Logans. Logan is originally a Norman name, de Logan, but my grandmother's line actually is traced back to Pennard, Wales in 1557 through an ancestor named Silas George. There's a matrilineal line in the George ancestry that has the name Powell and goes back to Lydbury North, Shropshire, England, in the year 1515. On the Logan side, there is also a John Logan (1689-1777), who was born in Dublin, Leinster, Ireland and died in Washington, Litchfield, Connecticut. His father, John Logan, Sr., was born in Scotland in 1647.
Dutch Delft tile of the Crucifixion from 18th-century Rotterdam
DUTCH AND BELGIAN ON MY FATHER'S SIDE:
The Dutch line of the Hosey family begins with Alida Lydia Pruyn from Albany, NY (1707-1788). She married Andrew Lendrick Logan (1705-1788) from Albany, NY. He is the great-great-great-great grandfather of my dad James Hosey on his grandmother's side, the Logans.
Alida Pruyn's family descends from Johannes Pruyn of Albany, 1667-1749. He was the son of Frans Janse Pruyn, born in Holland, Reusel-de-Mierden, Noordbrabant, Netherlands in 1638 and died in Albany, NY, British Colonial America, in 1712.
His father, Johannes Pruyn (1617-1712) was born in Gelderland, Netherlands and died in Albany, NY, Colonial America. HIS father was Johannes Pruyn from Antwerp, Belgium, born there in 1585, date and location of death unknown.
German Hezilo cross, before 1079 A.D.
GERMAN ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE FROM THE HEADLEY FAMILY: Mom's maiden name was Scott. Her mother's maiden name was Headley, Simmie Headley. Simmie's mother was Ada Ware Headley.
Ada Roselyn Ware married Albert Clayton Headley (1873-1940). She was my great-grandmother on my mom's side. The German side of Ada Ware's family can be traced from Ada's mother, Catherine Ophelia Click (1850-1940) all the way back to Peter Vankleek, who was born in Germany in 1678 and died in 1794, location of death unlisted. His son was Baltas Click (also listed Kleek). from Alsace-Lorraine, and Baltas died on the ship to Philadelphia on September 26, 1732.
More German ancestry comes through the Culp line from the Headley family, starting with James Thomas Headley (1846-1921), who married Elizabeth Tirsie Culp (1842-1894). James Thomas Headley's descendants were Albert Clayton Headley (1873-1940), married to Ada Roselyn Ware (born 1876, death date not listed). (Again, Albert and Ada were Simmie Headley Scott's parents).
So, through Simmie, there's a long German line going all the way back to Bayern, Germany in the 1500's. That Bavarian ancestor's name is Martin Heinrich Kolb (1560-1620). His grandfather was Hans Dieter Kolb (1522-1601), from Ludwigshafen, Rheinland-Pfatz. Germany.
Hans Dieter's grandfather was Heinz der Jung Kolb, 1460-1538, from Unterwaiz, Oberfranken, Bayern Lande, Deutschland. His grandfather was Hans Kolb, from the same place, living from 1382-1440. Hans Kolb's father was Fritz Kolb, from the same place, 1350-1404.
One of the Headley ancestors was a bishop of some sort, but it's not clear whether Protestant or Catholic. My guess would be Protestant. His name is listed on the familysearch.org website as "Reverand, Bishop Peter Schumacher Kolb." (Yes, that's how 'reverend' is spelled; it must be 18th-century English spelling). He was born in 1671, in Wolfsheim, Mainz-Bingen, Rheinland-Pfalz, Germany. He died in 1727 in Pennsylvania, on September 5. I wonder if he was Amish?
So, on the patrilineal side, the Headley German line goes back from Simmie's grandmother, Elizabeth Tirsie Culp (1842-1894) to Fritz Kolb in 14th-century Germany!
SCOTTISH ON MY MOTHER'S SIDE:
There's a line on the Scott side, my maternal grandfather's side, that can be traced back to 17th-century Scotland (i.e., the 1600's).
Anglo-Saxon reliquary cross, 11th century
THE POPWELLS ON MY FATHER'S SIDE: ANGLO-SAXONS!
First of all, Popwell is an Anglo-Saxon name, derived from "popel" which means "pebble" in Anglo-Saxon, and "weilas," which is Saxon for "well." Together, those two Saxon words are "popel-weilas," which means "Pebble-well."
So far, I've traced the Popwells back to England. According to Irish surname lists, however, both Popwells and Hoseys are listed as families that settled in Ireland at some point.
DNA: The DNA Hapla groups of all these European, Welsh, English and Scottish ancestors is the same, according to current scientific research, as that of the Irish. The exception is that there are some variances in some Irish DNA caused by the presence of Basque heritage.
CONCLUSION: I can only consider myself as belonging to Celtic heritage insofar as the Welsh and Scottish roots go, from what I've found thus far in actual genealogical records, and insofar as Irish monks travelled to many of the areas in question--Wales, Germany, England--to spread the word of God. But I can not really call myself Irish, in the pure sense of the word. And with the Norman side of Hosey and Logan, which cannot be substantiated completely unless I can trace those lines back to before the 16th century, I could have a teeny bit of Norse heritage. My eldest sister Carol Hosey Spencer had a teeny bit of Swedish in her DNA, but mostly English. My eldest brother Mike Hosey had almost all English DNA.
Anyway, what a blow! I've grown up keeping Irish traditions, singing songs in Irish, and pursuing a Celtic flavour of my Orthodox Christianity according to that supposed heritage. I feel pretty adrift now, and it's not a good feeling to have, after I've clung to things Irish all these years. But I will continue my quest, and I won't give things Celtic. It's just that I can't claim Irish Celtic roots by blood, though by DNA it apparently makes no difference because of the matching Hapla groups. Also, my Western heritage is open to all sorts of things now, with that Germanic/Anglo-Saxon side and that Dutch/Flemish strain. I guess I just have to describe myself now as Northern European.
It is interesting that in the past year, I've developed an interest in the Anglo-Saxon Sanctorale and saints, as well as an interest in learning Anglo-Saxon and Dutch. I wondered why I, who was supposed to be Irish, was interested in such things.
St. Patrick wasn't Irish. A lot of people say he was Welsh. Anyway, who am I? Not who I thought I was, at least not ancestrally.
Why does all this matter? Why not just cling to Christ and forget all this stuff about heritage? Well, in the end, Christ is all that matters. However, Christ also made us who we are in terms of blood and ancestry, and who we are as people is sacred because God made us that way. So, knowing who we are as we walk with Christ is important. He doesn't ask us to give up who we are to follow Him. He asks us to surrender who we are to be transformed and transfigured by His grace, but He doesn't ask us to completely obliterate all sense of self and our uniqueness as individuals.

Grimbald Gospel evangelist portrait, Anglo-Saxon

French or Flemish pendant from circa 1400

German medieval processional cross

Dutch altar crucifix, 19th century







Friday, October 4, 2019

Talking to My Husband About Recent Spiritual Developments On My Path



This morning, I spent some time talking to my husband about spiritual matters. He and I spiritually advise each other. We are what is referred to in the Irish patristic tradition as "soul-friends" or "anamgcarad," the plural of "anamcara" or "soul friend." "Anam" is the Irish word for "soul." "Cara" is the word for "friend." Soul friends mutually advise each other and listen to each other, as they share their Christian walk day to day and grow. There is a spiritual connection between their souls because they contribute to each other's life in the Faith, hence the term "soul friend." It's kind of like having a spiritual father, but unlike that tradition, it does not involve concepts of monastic obedience; the decision to take advice is the choice of each person. This is especially true when the anamcairdeas (soul friendship) is between two lay people, or in this case, between an Orthodox Subdeacon and his wife. David is a wise anamcara. Today, I told him I felt adrift because I no longer had the Benedictine Oblate label to cling to, and I was clinging to that label because I thought it would make me safer around people. The thing is that when one is a nonconformist like me, an artsy kind of a person who doesn't fit into a lot of other people's cogs, a square peg, we often don't feel safe due to past negative reactions of people to who we are. So, words like "Goth" and "Benedictine" are labels that allow people to categorize folks like me. Then, being able to put me into a category makes them feel more secure and hence makes me safer from their reactions to the fact that I'm a bit off the beaten path. That's the theory, anyway. But the truth is, my husband said, that a persona does not stave off the effects of rejection if people choose not to accept someone. A persona merely delays the inevitable, because people are either going to accept you or not. So, he posed the question,"Why the need for narrow-minded people to accept you anyway? Why do you need them?". He said that instead of feeling adrift, I can rejoice in my freedom to just be me, without some label to explain myself to others. He also said that this freedom of being ourselves and navigating our own prayer life is part and parcel of Orthodoxy. A lot of times, as a cradle Orthodox Christian, he has observed that converts come into the faith with a need to impose the rigours of their previous churches onto themselves and others; they think that being Orthodox means you have to express control over others by saying, "THIS and THIS ALONE is the way to be Orthodox." But in fact, to embrace the mindset of Orthodoxy, one needs to embrace the richness and variety that is in the faith. One doesn't need to give up the prayers of the West that work in conformity with the faith, like the Rule of St. Benedict or pre-Schism Western prayers. One can do like I do, and integrate these things with the Eastern Orthodox Horologion and traditions. One does not need a label or persona to do that; it's about what doing what works. "Rejoice in your freedom, and be yourself," David says. Wise man. So, I will still pray the Rule of St. Benedict in addition to the Horologion, like I've been doing, because that benefits me. I will still use the label of Goth, because to an extent it's true of me, though I'm not into the darker things associated with that movement. But there's no need to use labels for self-defense, according to David. I don't know if I entirely agree, because my experience has been that if you don't give people some label to categorize you, they'll put their own label on you like "witch" and come after you. Usually, this is not done physically in this day and age, but rather is done emotionally, socially and professionally. I know, because I have experienced that, even to the extent that I have lost a job or two in the past because of it. Professionalese for "She's a witch! Burn her!" is "You don't fit into our vision of this school/church/company" or "You have such unique gifts; you really belong somewhere else."  So, I still am not sure that being without labels is safe. But he thinks it's better to just be oneself without them. I'll have to ponder on that.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

Reflection on Some Creepy Stalker-like Behaviour I Encountered Today on Facebook, and How It Has Affected a Spiritual Decision for Me


I am left saddened by an incident that happened with the Benedictine Oblates group on Facebook this afternoon, and as a result I left the group. I was deeply shaken by a guy from that group who behaved like a stalker on my personal Facebook page. I will summarize what happened by posting here what I posted on Facebook about the incident this afternoon. I have put this post in italics, so that anyone who has already read it may skip it and proceed to the next paragraph.

"Wow! I just got dropped and blocked by a guy who was acting like a total creep. He was someone that I befriended from the Benedictine Oblates page. There were several things he did that made me uncomfortable: (1) Just after befriending me two days ago, he instantly got on Private Messenger with me, sending me constant messages with personal information about himself and asking me rather personal things about myself, and sometimes he sent me messages after midnight. (2) He spoke against my husband because I'm trying to honour my husband's spiritual advice to me in my Christian walk (especially since my husband is my anamcara), and because I follow Biblical principles in marriage. He referred to my husband as controlling. (3) He just now asked for me to send him a photograph of the tops of my hands and the tops of my feet, because he supposedly has a scientific interest in my hands and feet as a practitioner of reflexology. What the devil?! I pointed out to him that his request was a highly irregular one for him, as a single man, to make of a married woman. When my husband objected, he accused my husband of controlling my life. I got onto this creep for not having more respect for my marriage. The end result? He said, via PM, "Have fun being a slave to a controlling dictator." What a jerk! I'm glad that he did drop and block me, because I don't want someone like that on my page. Whether he agrees with my model of marriage or not and my husband being my anamcara, he was being way too personal for a Facebook new acquaintance. A man should not ask a married lady to send him pictures of her feet, especially if he just met her online. As for my husband's instincts about the guy, I completely trust them because my husband is the son of a cop and he's always an impeccable judge of character. Good God, but I do attract some loonies sometimes."

I know that a whole group, such as a large Benedictine Oblate group on Facebook, cannot be considered responsible for what happened with one nutcase. But what happened today brought back a memory that I had buried and thought that I had quite gotten over: the memory of being physically seized by a Benedictine monk at a Catholic Benedictine monastery on retreat, when I was a young woman during the early 1990's, during which the monk tried to force me to kiss him. I will speak of this now, on this blog, because I want other women who have experienced this type of thing to know that they are not alone. Like many young women who go through that sort of thing, I didn't report the monk at the time to the abbot or the police because I blamed myself for his actions. Besides, he had not actually tried to rape me, just to kiss me. I thought it was my fault for having talked to him too late at night on the terrace, which I did because I thought he was a lonely, sad person in need of my listening ear, hence his accosting me on my way to the dormitory. I further reflected, after the incident, that perhaps my trendy summer dress was too immodest for him, and that he had been tempted beyond his strength. So I left the incident unreported, with the result that he continued to follow me about the monastery and pass by my bedroom door every night as I stayed there for the retreat. There was another monk at that same monastery who pursued me in an inappropriate manner as well, though he did so through written communication instead of physically pursuing me. I once again blamed myself, because I had reached out to him when one of his monastic brothers said he was depressed. I had buried the memory of these past events, more or less, and tried not to think about them, especially since the monk who tried to kiss me is now long dead and the other one ran off from the monastery and was never heard from again. But today's incident with the creepy guy in the Oblates group made those past incidents all come back to me. Because I found myself shaken and brought back to those memories, I have decided that this is one reason out of two that I am NOT called to be a Benedictine Oblate in the Orthodox Western Rite. I will continue to pray the Rule of St. Benedict, but I will not seek Oblatehood because I cannot be certain that I will not run into more nutcases if I associate myself with a monastic congregation. I know that many Benedictine monasteries are filled with wonderful holy people who have a true vocation and can be an inspiration to Oblates. But, in my experience not only with that Benedictine house but with a couple of Greek monastic communities, monasteries also can have some people who have sought solace in the monastic vocation because they are not sound of mind. Three creepy guys--those two monks from the 1990's and today's creep from the Oblates group--are enough to turn a woman off from wanting to be associated with a monastic congregation in a lay "third order" capacity such as Oblatehood. There are two things that I don't need in my life: (1) I don't need to subject myself to the possibility of encountering crazy guys who might behave inappropriately towards me and insult my honour. (2) I don't need anyone exerting control over my spiritual life and prayer life in the name of spiritual direction. This incident and some wise words from my original Irish spiritual father this past week, words about ploughing my own furrow instead of letting other people dictate who they think I should be, have helped me come to my decision tonight. My husband was right to be concerned about my spiritual freedom and my safety. I will continue to pray the Rule of St. Benedict, but I will not seek any more to be an Oblate. I think that my husband as a soul-friend and Fr. Photius as father-confessor are sufficient for me. What makes me sad, however, is that I have lost yet again an opportunity to have some sort of spiritual community of people sharing my path and journey. I'm beginning to think that my calling is to be the woman living on the outskirts of the village, with the raven and the owl as my companions, who gets periodically consulted by people with particular questions. Every attempt I have ever made at having a spiritual community about me has failed, but maybe that's because God doesn't want that for me. Maybe I'm called to be solitary, like the aforementioned raven and owl. So, I'll just serve the Church through music, minister in that capacity as I'm called, love people when I see them, and continue friendships that I have forged. But otherwise, I will stay out in the woods where I belong.